Don't
Call That Man! Newsletter
www.rhondafindling.com
September Issue #9
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Book and Film Recommendation List
2. Telephone Support Group
3. Feature Article "When Its Time To let Go Of Your Ambivalent Man"
Four tips
4. New York Support Group
5. "Mourning Losses"
6. (Academic)Psychoanalytic Articles
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1. Book and Film Recommendation List
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On the homepage of my website is a new link to my book and film recommendations. The link includes non-fiction book recommendations, novels, memoirs, books for psychotherapists, and films. I've also added two forums on my message board for everyone else to post their own book and film recommendations.
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2. Telephone Support Group
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I will be running a telephonic support group starting October 7 on the phone
for 8 weeks. The group will run on Tuesday evenings from 9:45
PM until 10:45
PM EST. It's a little on the late side due
to my trying to accommodate women on the West coast. The fee for the 8 week
group will be $300 which you can pay by check or credit card before the group
begins.
I've decided to run the group in response to many women who live outside
of New York city (where I run my Manhattan Support Group). Who have expressed
their frustration that they don't have an opportunity to work with me
and get support from other women struggling with the issues I wrote about
in "Don't Call That Man". Due to the group being telephonic,
there will be lots of discussion, so I will limit the group to only 5 women(including
me) If you're interested please e mail me (RhondaDCTM@aol.com)as soon as you
can so that you don't get closed out.
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3. Feature Article "When Is It Time To Let Go of Your Ambivalent Man?
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Are you at the crossroads of your relationship with an Ambivalent Man? Are you having a difficult time deciding when it's time to give your Ambivalent Man the boot? Letting go can be an excruciating process because you're giving up the hope that what you longed for with your Ambivalent Man can ever materialize. You're saying goodbye to even the possibility. Sometimes it hurts just knowing that you spent a lot of time and energy on a man without a return on your investment. It's almost synonymous to a gambler deciding whether to walk away from the blackjack table after losing thousands of dollars or continue to gamble to win back her losses while she's risking her house and life savings.?There's no getting around it. Detaching from someone you care about is hard work. As humans, we are wired to bond and attach. That's why knowing when to detach from your Ambivalent Man is such a hard call to make. Goodbyes are painful. However, if you're tired of the games and you're ready to have your needs met instead of ignored, then you may be ready to leave your Ambivalent Man and put your energies into something more positive. But how can you know for sure? So when is the Right Time?The following four tips which will help you figure out the right time are taken from my upcoming book "The Commitment Cure: What to do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man"
Tip 1: Be Authentic
During this decision-making process, you need to be brutally honest with yourself.
Try to look at the situation realistically. Do not get defensive. Start by
seeing if you're using the following defense mechanisms when coping with your
current situation with your Ambivalent Man:
Denial. Are you denying the truth to yourself about you Ambivalent Man or
your relationship with him?.
Rationalization. Do you rationalize and make excuses about your Ambivalent
Man's behavior to make yourself feel better rather than face cold hard reality?]
Magical thinking. Do you think your relationship with your Ambivalent Man
is going to miraculously change almost as if by magic?
Tip 2: Ask Your Support Network
Ask people in your support network their opinions of whether you should leave
your Ambivalent Man or stay. Be sure to have a variety of people to turn to
in your support network so you're not too draining on one person. Here are
a few ways for you to get honest answers:
Don't be defensive.
Tell them to be really honest with you.
Listen carefully to what they have to say.
Don't just use them as a sounding board. Ask them what's going on in their
lives too.
Tip 3: Make Sure There's an Even Energy Exchange
If you're doing most of the work, you're in a one-sided relationship. If you're
putting in most of the energy for more than a year with no positive results,
then it's probably high time you threw in the towel. If the effort between
the two of you is split more than 60/40, that's a bad sign because eventually
the split will probably spill over to 65/35, 75/25, or worse.
.
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Tip 4: Ask Yourself How Much Pain You're Willing to Tolerate
Be completely honest with yourself regarding how much pain he causes you.
If the relationship is more than 25 percent heartache, you need to seriously
consider leaving him. Although some people can put up with more than others,
you need to examine why you tolerate so much pain. Maybe you need to do more
healing work on yourself.
.
In "The Commitment Cure: What To Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man"
there will be 15 tips on "how to know when it's time to let go of your
Ambivalent Man" including lots of case scenarios. " The Commitment
Cure" will be available in bookstores nationwide March 2004.
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4. New York Support Group
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The New York City support group continues to run in my Manhattan office in
Gramercy Park on Wednesday evenings from 7PM until 8:30PM. If you are interested
in joining the group you can read about it on my website and e-mail me at
RhondaDCTM@aol.com.
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5. "Mourning Losses"
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I just wanted to let new newsletter subscribers know about my novel "Mourning
Losses" which you can purchase off my website or though Amazon or Barnes
and Nobel.com
Here is a review of " Mourning Losses"
"If you've ever felt you couldn't live without a man, read this book.
If you have a history of putting men's needs above your own, read this book.
If you've lost your sense of self or lost your own identity to obsession or
sex or men, read this book. From reading this novel and accompanying Sharon
on her journey through recovery, you will learn how to reclaim yourself. Sharon
is a true heroine that readers will root for and love.
Mourning Losses is the best kind of novel: it's a real page turner and it
teaches us some of life's important lessons. When the novel begins we find
Sharon, an accomplished artist in her 20s, single, and living with her emotionally
needy mother in Wisconsin. Sharon has been her mother's life support ever
since her husband, Sharon's father, abandoned his family years earlier. Sharon
has grown up missing the warmth and love of her father, and she now accidentally
discovers a packet of birthday cards he's sent her over the years, cards that
have been hidden away by her mother. Sharon had believed her father had never
written her, and she immediately calls all the phone numbers included in his
letters. After finding them all disconnected, and angry with her mother for
hiding the cards, Sharon packs up and moves to New York City, where he last
lived, to search for him. Here, she'll be close to her married sister, and
she'll also be able to pursue her lifelong dream: to study art in New York.
While she makes great strides in her art classes, she is unable to locate
her father. Worse, alone for the first time, lonely and scared, she seeks
comfort in an obsessive relationship with David, a handsome, wealthy attorney
who introduces her to sex and drugs. She can't get enough of either. Sharon
obsesses about him constantly, even though David is emotionally unavailable.
Soon, David is more important to her than her art, than her own life. When
she doesn't hear from him, and when she thinks he's with other women, she
becomes bereft. In fact, one day, "Standing alone on the street she thought
about running in front of a moving car. Then this unbearable pain and humiliation
would be over.... Wanting to end her life over a man."
It is in this weakened state, when her life is falling apart, she finally
finds a therapist. Here, Sharon begins to heal. And even though her journey
of self-discovery will be rocky, she does start to understand the most important
lesson of her life. Her therapist tells her, "Obsessing is sometimes
a way of avoiding the pain of loss." In fact, what she learns, is that
never having healed from her father's abandonment, she now uses men and sex
to numb the pain of her earlier loss. Indeed, Sharon then uses other men and
more drugs to numb the pain of losing David. This is a vicious, addictive
cycle that Sharon struggles to overcome. With the help of her therapist and
several nurturing women, she ultimately learns to thrive."
Sue William Silverman, author,
Love Sick: One Woman's Journey Through Sexual Addiction
www.suewilliamsilverman.com
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7. Psychoanalytic Articles
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For those of you who are interested in academic articles about women and their
relationships with men, lost love or unrequited love, I now have 8 psychoanalytic
articles available on these subjects (all written by psychoanalysts) on my
website. Just go to the link on my home page. My favorite article which I
strongly recommend reading is "Issues in the Psychoanalytic Treatment
of Single Women Over Thirty" by Janice Lieberman.
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I hope everyone had a good summer. And for my newsletter subscribers who celebrate
Rosh Hashanah have a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year
All best,
Rhonda