Chapter 3: The Sexually Ambivalent Man The Malignant Man Who Doesn't Have Sex Or Withholds Sex

As a former 1980's disco queen and nightclub girl, my experience with men who had intimacy issues was they wanted sex but with no strings attached. However, as technology has advanced, I've been hearing more stories about men acting seductive and then not wanting sex!

An experience with a man like this can be totally traumatizing because he makes you feel bad about yourself as a woman – as if there's something wrong with you.

In person, he'll flirt, gaze and even touch – giving a woman the impression that he's romantically interested. Technologically, he woos women using texting, socialization sites (Facebook, etc.) and emailing. But he never acts on his seductive behavior. He's all blah blah blah and no cha cha cha. He may have a desire to be with a woman for emotional connection but not for sex.

If a woman finally makes a move on a Sexually Ambivalent Man he'll look at her as if she’s nuts, throwing his hands up in panic pleading, "Oh no! Just friends!" He'll tell her or insinuate that all this romantic stuff is in her head. Her imagination. How dare she even think for a moment that he'd be romantically interested in her?

If a woman confronts him about his mixed signals, he'll only justify his behavior. He will never own his ambivalence. He'll put it all on you. He'd rather lose the friendship/connection then admit he's been leading you on.

One of my pet peeves is people who think that a woman is into a "fantasy" relationship when a man has sent her "double messages". Very rarely have I met or treated a woman who had a fantasy relationship where it is all in her head. Almost all of the time, the relationship is mutual. This type of confusing situation is often caused by a man who induces romantic feelings in her and then doesn’t follow through. A Sexually Ambivalent Man can make a woman feel like she is going crazy!

Why We Like Them

It's easy to fall for a Sexually Ambivalent Man because he makes you feel safe. He doesn't push sex on you. He knows how to keep it in his pants. Unfortunately, he never wants to take it out of his pants!

Women, burnt out from men who are overly focused on sex, can easily fall prey to a Sexually Ambivalent Man because he gives them time to develop a connection. They think he’s being a gentleman and is more interested in getting to know them as a person. A Sexually Ambivalent Man is ultimately emotionally dangerous because he makes his victims feel unloved, undesired, humiliated, inadequate, ugly, repulsive, rejected, deeply hurt and traumatized.

Sexual Problems

Sometimes a viable sexual problem is the culprit behind a Sexually Ambivalent Man's conflicted behavior. I've listed physical and medical causes why a man would deprive himself of sex with a woman he feels connected to. The following symptoms can also be applied to men who are sexual and then lose all interest in having sex:

He has an STD he doesn't want you to know about He's impotent (erectile dysfunction) He has premature ejaculation and doesn’t want you to know He cannot sustain an erection if he uses a condom He has OCD (a germ phobia) He takes anti-depressants which sometimes create lack of sexual desire, impotence and can jeopardize feelings of romantic love and attachment He has something physically wrong with him (anemic, diabetic, hypothyroidism, Parkinson's disease, cardiovascular disease) He has lack of sexual desire in general He’s terrified sexually transmitted diseases can be fatal

• He has rapid ejaculation

• He has Anorgasmia (lack of orgasmic fulfillment)

• He has performance anxiety

• He has low sexual self-esteem

• He takes antihypertensive medications

• He takes tranquilizers

• He has chronic pain

• He suffers from andropause

• He drinks too much alcohol

• He doesn’t have enough testosterone in the body

Emotional Reasons

The following are emotional reasons why a man engages a woman in some type of relationship but does not want to be sexual with her:

Denial of Homosexuality

I believe that many Sexually Ambivalent Men are in denial of their homosexuality. They know they're gay and may have even acted out homosexual feelings but are hoping they will eventually meet the right woman who will create the desire they are searching for. They may keep dating and dating and never have a real relationship. They enjoy the company of women and their companionship, however they're just not sexually attracted to women.

They may have a lot of shame and choose to live in a state of denial. When their woman friend wants more, they'll tell her that they're not attracted to her or just want to be friends. The woman ends up feeling frustrated and insulted, which usually results in the demise of the friendship.

Internet Porn

Men who are afraid of intimacy or relationships can now fulfill their sexual needs by watching internet pornography. Some men are so into isolated fantasy they can’t even feel sexual desire for real women anymore because they don’t match up to the images of women on the computer screen.

I once had a patient who said that he preferred pornography to a real woman. He claimed that he didn't want to have to deal with another person, which he considered stressful rather than gratifying. Into Prostitutes

He feels comfortable having sex with a "live" woman but someone he does not have an emotional relationship with. If he pays her and is detached from his feelings he is able to function sexually, with minimum anxiety or trauma.

Mental Illness

He may have mental health issues that make him flee intimacy such as schizophrenia, a very deep clinical depression or a schizoid personality disorder. If he is hearing voices or is paranoid, he may fear being sexual. Men who are schizophrenic often don’t like sex.

Sexual Abuse

Some men are terrified of sex because they were sexually abused as children. They long for intimacy but have a deep fear or dread of sex.

Early physical or sexual abuse may have numbed their emotions and disconnected them from human warmth, interaction and trust. Sexual Anorexia

In Patrick Carnes’ book Sexual Anorexia, he claims that sexual anorexia is an obsessive state in which the physical, mental and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one’s life. Like self-starvation with food, compulsive hoarding or debting, sex becomes an enemy to be continually denied. Deprivation of sex can also make him feel more in control and protect him against all chances of getting hurt. He may also get some masochistic gratification out of depriving himself of sex. Humiliation

Some men have a fear of being rejected, ridiculed and humiliated by women. They may even become impotent as an expression of this fear. They’re afraid the woman will devalue them if they don’t perform to her standards. They may reject women sexually so they don’t have to disclose their impotence. They would forgo the gratification of a sexual experience rather than a woman’s critical observation. Their fear of women may also lead to revulsion of women sexually.

Fear of Intimacy

With sexual intimacy comes further emotional intimacy. A man who is terrified of closeness may choose to deprive himself of a sexual experience with a woman he already has a connection with, who is romantically interested in him.

If his fear of intimacy is so powerful, a Sexually Ambivalent Man will do what he has too to push her away, to stop the pressure. He may even imply that something is wrong with her. She is deficient, inadequate, not his type. He'll even tell her that he just wants to be friends and was never attracted to her, just to get rid of her. He can even become nasty and insulting. These are both conscious and unconscious distancing strategies. Overwhelmed By Emotions

Some men can get so overwhelmed with anxiety, anger, rage, hostility or fear of loss of self that their sexual desire completely diminishes. They start out feeling an attraction towards a woman and then talk themselves out of it. They split off from their erotic feelings.

Poor Sense of Self

Some men are so scared of the “loss of self” that they lose all sense of romantic feelings or sexual desire. When you don’t have a strong “sense of self” you can feel intruded upon by others when they try to get close to you. The fear of connection makes a Malignant Man distance and cut his feelings off. This could be caused by having an inadequate or traumatizing childhood. Power and Control

He's more interested in the conquest and seduction (knowing he can have her) than sex. He also may enjoy having the power of withholding sex so he can control a woman in order to protect his vulnerability.

Perversions

Straight sex or a woman's naked body just won’t do it for him. He has fetishes and perversions, which are the only way he can feel sexual excitement and desire.

Dealing With the Sexually Ambivalent Man

The most distinctive trait of the Sexually Ambivalent Man is his lack of ownership of the mixed messages he sends. He does not hold himself accountable for his behavior even though he witnesses the destruction of his relationships with women.

A healthy, single unattached man, who is not sexually interested in you, doesn't act seductively unless he can back it up. Most men don’t tease. When they act seductively they usually mean business.

A man depriving himself of having sex with a woman, who is sexually interested in him, with whom he has some type of friendship or relationship, is demonstrating atypical behavior. There’s usually something just not right about "that man"!