The Commitment Cure:
What to Do When You Fall For an Ambivalent Man

                          
Chapter 3
The Casual Dater

Sue met Ken, a commodities trader, at a gathering at her friend’s house. Although he was okay looking, she wasn’t that crazy about him. He seemed like nice guy, but the chemistry level wasn’t very high. When he asked her to go to a Broadway play, Sue decided to give him a chance. To her surprise, they had a good time. Afterward, he called her every Wednesday and asked her out for the following Saturday night. He always took her to glamorous yet elegant restaurants. She was sure he was seriously interested in her, figuring no man would go to these lengths for just a fling. Soon he was asking her out for both Friday and Saturday nights. It appeared their dating was leading to a relationship so she decided to take the emotional risk and become sexually involved with Ken. On the tenth date Ken told Sue that he didn’t see them “having a future together” and “thought they should stop dating.” He explained that he “wanted to get married but didn’t want to marry her.” Sue was devastated and shocked because she didn’t really like Ken so much in the beginning and had tried to be mature about it and give him a chance. How could she have been so wrong about him and let herself get hurt like this? Unfortunately, she had run into a Casual Dater.

Who Is the Casual Dater?
Here’s a list of signs you’re with a Casual Dater so you don’t set yourself up for disappointment when you find out he can’t go beyond a few dates:

• He is a man who is actually looking for a relationship. He really longs for marriage and feels bad that he can’t seem to achieve this goal.
• He is reliable and usually makes a good first impression. You can take him anywhere, to Christmas parties, weddings, and family gatherings. In fact, his excellent social skills are honed from dating so often.
• He appears to be capable of a relationship because he really is interested in going out to places rather than just having a fling. He keeps calling you for dates so you think he’s very interested in you.

Ironically, many women keep dating the Casual Dater even when they’re not that crazy about him, because he gives the impression that he’s serious about a relationship and possibly marriage.

What Causes His Ambivalent Behavior?
The main problem with the Casual Dater is that he feels entitled to “perfect” women. Despite the Casual Dater’s longing for love and relationship, he’s deeply committed to being with the kind of women he feels entitled to. He’d rather remain single than be with a woman who doesn’t meet his expectations. The irony and maddening part is, he’s unable to see his own shortcomings. Even if he’s broke, unattractive, or disabled, if a woman doesn’t measure up to his ideal he will not want to have a relationship with her.

Some Casual Daters have completely unrealistic expectations of the woman they’d like to have as a girlfriend or wife. They actually compare potential girlfriends to playboy models, movie stars, and fantasy women. They often have crushes on women who are in their lives but are unattainable. Sometimes they date more than one woman at a time. This increases the chances of meeting the perfect woman.
When a Casual Dater finds a woman who meets his expectations, he eventually finds something wrong with her. In other words, he always ends up devaluing the woman no matter how great he originally thought she was and how close she was to his ideal. He then becomes ambivalent and either sabotages the potential relationship by giving women the “distancing lecture” or never wanting to go beyond casual dating.

The Casual Dater is superficial and isn’t capable of loving on a mature level. He can’t accept another human being for who she is, flaws and all, which is necessary in order to have a long-term relationship or marriage. If the woman is going through a personal problem while dating, he has a hard time dealing with it. Although he has a nice demeanor he’s basically self-absorbed.

The Distancing Lecture
After he has gone through the process of devaluing you in his mind, he delivers a lecture with one of the following themes:

• “There’s not going to be a relationship.”
• “I don’t see a future for us.”
• “You’re a great lady, but I just can’t seem to fall in love with you.”
• “I want to get married but I don’t want to marry you.”

The Casual Dater can be very wounding in his need to get rid of you. He’s not like the Runner, who just disappears. He will tell you bluntly when it’s over. It’s therefore important to understand where his lecture is coming from and not take it too personally, although this is easier said than done. Dora met Paul at a lecture on nutrition at an adult learning center. From their discussions, Dora learned that Paul was struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome. He came from a family of great wealth so he was able to support himself despite his physical limitations. He dated a lot, but never had a long-term relationship with a woman. Although she was concerned about his physical disabilities, he seemed like a nice guy and she was on a serious search for a boyfriend. They went on a few dates. When Dora didn’t hear from him, she worried that Paul’s health had gotten worse, so she gave him a call. Paul told Dora that he didn’t know if he wanted to have a relationship with her and was now dating someone else. Stunned, she tried to talk to him about his decision because she didn’t understand. Then he had the audacity to tell her he needed to decide if he even wanted to see her again!

Why Does He Act This Way?
Here are the real reasons men are Casual Daters:

1.         He may have had a mother who was emotionally or physically unavailable. The sad thing is that he didn’t develop the inner resources it takes to have a deep enduring relationship because of this mother’s unavailability. Instead, he compensated for his lack of nurturing by constructing an ideal vision of a woman who would meet all his needs. It is this perfect woman that he’s always searching for.
2.         He is not in touch with his anxiety about closeness so he blames the woman’s flaws for the demise of the potential relationship. He rids himself of his anxiety about closeness by either rejecting an available woman or never going beyond casual dating. With either solution he never has to deal with his feelings a relationship brings up for him.
3.         He is unable to look at his own limitations or imperfections. If he had the insight to understand these dynamics he wouldn’t act out his ambivalence by ending a potential relationship or staying in a go-nowhere relationship.

So how can you tell if you’re seeing a Casual Dater? The following tips will help to clue you in.

Signs You Are Seeing a Casual Dater
Your Casual Dater can commit more than the Man Who Plays Parlor Games, but ultimately gives himself away as an Ambivalent Man by his inability to take it to the next level.

• He’s had few or no relationships with women. Although he dates a lot, a relationship never seems to materialize.
• He’s a big expert on how to meet new women. He goes to endless singles events, clubs, and dating services to keep up an ongoing search for his ideal woman. Casual Daters are often on the Internet meeting women in chat rooms and online dating sites.
• He uses personal ads a lot. He puts personal ads in newspapers, magazines, and online sites, and responds to women’s ads. When he meets a woman on a blind date, he’s often disappointed because she’s not who he was fantasizing she’d be. His level of attractiveness is irrelevant; only his expectations matter to him.
• He displays a lack of experience in relationships. Sometimes he seems naive when he talks about relationships in general.
• He has tons of dating experience and stories. Sometimes he dates more than one woman at a time. He figures it’s a numbers game to find his perfect woman.
• Dating him never escalates to a relationship. He always wants to date around once a week or less. He doesn’t show signs that he wants to become more serious. He doesn’t want to see you on the holidays or introduce you to his family or friends.

Sherry met Sam after he answered her personal ad online. Just from their e-mail and phone conversations she could tell he was a walking encyclopedia on meeting new women. He seemed to know all the singles events going on around the city. He’d entertain her on the phone for hours with stories of his dating experiences. He rarely mentioned anything about serious long-term relationships. He told Sherry he thought they had a very special connection just from their phone conversations and he was dying to meet her. Due to her hectic work schedule, she didn’t have much time. Sam was willing to accommodate her, however, so Sherry decided to take a chance on the day of their meeting. Excited at the prospect of meeting this man who seemed so interested in her, Sherry got all dolled up. When he walked into the restaurant he looked disappointed when he realized it was Sherry. They talked but he left shortly. Sherry didn’t think Sam was so great anyway, but she would have been willing to give him a chance. She never heard from him again, but she saw his ad on all the personal ad sites for years after that.

How to Handle the Casual Dater
When responding to his distancing lecture . . .

• Don’t fall apart in front of him! It’s not going to do any good and will make you feel even worse. Freak out when you get home or call your girlfriends, but don’t show how you feel in front of him. Don’t make a dramatic scene. It’s not good for your self-esteem and will not help the situation.
• Don’t feed into his devaluing process by defending yourself. You are fine the way you are. It’s his perception and not necessarily reality
• Don’t, under any circumstances, try to talk him out of his decision. Show him you have high self-esteem now and don’t need his approval. Put all of your energy into staying emotionally grounded.
• Don’t cling to him or grovel. It is demeaning to you to let a man with severe intimacy problems see that he has such a powerful effect on you. If you grovel, you will regret it later on.

The Casual Dater is into his compulsive need to rid himself of you, which could be pretty compelling, so just go along with it even if it’s difficult. Mourn the loss of him, even if it’s temporary. Unless he goes for psychological help he may be hopeless. Most important, try not to personalize it. Once again, it’s more about him than you, or else his behavior would make more sense. So focus on healing you, and distance from him now.
When you sense he only wants to date and he shows no signs that it’s leading to a relationship, there are several actions you can take to change the situation or move on.

Set Limits
Decide how long you’re willing to date him without things escalating. Let him know what you want in terms of a relationship. Take a look at the following list of signs that indicate he’s willing to take the next step. If your “personal” time limit has come and gone and you still haven’t seen any of these signs, it’s time to move on.
These are signs that casual dating is escalating toward a relationship:

• He increases the amount of time you see each other.
• He calls more during the week.
• He introduces you to his friends.
• He introduces you to his family.
• He plans a vacation with you.

Confront Him
Find out what his intentions are and what he sees happening in the future with the two of you. This will take courage because you don’t know what he’ll come back with, but at least you’ll know where you stand once and for all. You won’t be struggling with his ambivalence. If he gives you a rejecting answer, respond as you would to his distancing lecture, which I covered earlier. It’s all one and the same.

Keep It to Yourself
Don’t share with him the limits that you set in your own mind. If you don’t want to take a chance with a confrontation because you feel you might get hurt or it’s too risky, then keep the limits to yourself but act on them just the same.

Think Carefully
Before any confrontation or limit setting you need to put some serious thinking into . . .

• What you want from a relationship with him.
• What you want from a relationship in general.
• How much time and energy you’re willing to emotionally invest in him.

Consider Your Own Needs
Sometimes the Casual Dater won’t come around, even if you confront him directly after his distancing lecture. At that point, you need to think about your own:

• Ask yourself why you want to be with a man who says he doesn’t even know if he wants a future or a relationship with you. Agreeing to see him on his terms makes you look desperate. If you’re so emotionally available, you’re acting like someone who doesn’t deserve to have a man who  wants a relationship or future.
• If he says he going to work on his issues, your only alternative is to gamble a little time to see if he’s true to his word and can conquer his anxiety about relationships. Without psychological help, I don’t believe there’s much hope. However, if this is the route you want to take, then decide how much time you want to invest in this Ambivalent Man, and honor your time limit.
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• If you decide to keep dating him (with the understanding that there’s going to be no relationship or future) your self-esteem will erode and his ambivalent behavior will make you feel like you’re going crazy.
• If you don’t set limits you are enabling him to keep acting out his issues about intimacy. And you, in turn, are acting out your own avoidance of relationships or getting close by being with a man who may not have the capacity for a relationship.

Maria and Marcus, both social workers, were introduced at a conference by coworkers. At first Bob was very enthusiastic about dating Maria. She was concerned that he had very few relationships in his past and had heard he could be a bit of a playboy. After seeing a number of men who just wanted flings, Maria was hopeful that Marcus and her romance would turn into a relationship with a future. She enjoyed dating him because he took her to concerts and museums, which they both seemed to have a mutual interest in. Suddenly Bob started distancing. First he told her he was going to family functions over the Christmas holiday, and didn’t invite her. The next evening when they were watching a video Bob announced that he was still dating other women. He explained that he had been crazy about his ex-college girlfriend who had been cold to him, and could not see himself falling in love with Maria. Crushed and insulted Maria walked out. A week later, Bob called and said that he thought he made the wrong decision and realized he had severe relationships issues he needed to work on. He announced that he was going back to psychotherapy and asked Maria to give him another chance. Maria decided that Bob was worth the risk, especially since he was acknowledging his problems and seeing a therapist. He was also very thoughtful and loving to her while they were dating. She decided she would give him three months to decide if he wanted more with her than just dating. When they ran into trouble again after a couple of months, they went to a couple’s counselor his therapist recommended. A year later they got married.

As you can see from what happen with Maria, some Ambivalent Men do have the capacity to work on themselves and have a relationship even if they start out as Casual Daters. In later chapters, you will learn more about Ambivalent Men who have possibilities.